Panic!

Yes, panic.

Those tiny moments where you wonder if you've completely made the wrong choice or if you're about to completely make the wrong choice.

My life if basically chaos. If there is a crack to fall through, I will fall through it. If there is a fucked up, spineless, backstabbing, thief of a roommate to be had, I will have them. If there is any possibility in being sued thousands of dollars for less than 1,000 downloaded files, I will be sued thousands of dollars. So I save up all my money, don't get a roommate and stop the downloading of all & any type of file. Inevitably, something else Will go wrong.

I sign up for classes. My car breaks down the first week. I bust my ass to catch up. My Mom gets sick & I am dropped from most of my classes.

Part of me feels like whats the point? Everything I work for is sabotaged by my life. Part of me thinks that making a big change in my life will, well, change things.

This is where the panic comes in. What happens when it goes wrong? What happens when the same thing that always happens Here happens There? What happens if I went left but I should have gone right?

What happens when a meteor from space cuts through the atmosphere for a straight shot into my skull as I ignorantly sit in the middle of my unfortunate life wondering what the Hell else can go wrong?

Because with my luck, the meteor wouldn't kill me & it wouldn't be covered by my insurance either.

I'd rather be lonely...

…than be with some who isn’t Awesome.

It’s why I’m single.

I’m also single because I make a point to look at things rationally. I could date, but it’d be over in a few weeks because I get bored of people fairly easily. Not because I learn everything about them in a short amount of time but because the more I learn, the less I’m interested.

That doesn’t mean we can't be friends and watch movies sometimes. It just means I'm not going to get emotionally attached so don't expect me to. If we have the same taste in movies then we don’t have to worry about filling the time with conversation that I’m only going to pay partial attention to. Just sit back, keep your hands to yourself and enjoy the movie.

I suppose this is sort of inspired by the song lyric “If you can’t be with the one you love, love the one you’re with.”

I hate that lyric. I think it’s a terrible thing to say and an even more terrible thing to practice. G, I’m in love with him but I guess you’ll do. Who wants to be the person you’re settling for? I don’t want to be with someone if they’re always wishing I was someone else, that’s crap.

So why would I do that to someone else? So I can feel desired? Loved? Why would it make me feel better to have someone I’m not interested in be interested in me?

Ooooh It must be a control issue, right? You want to know that no matter what, you’ve got options?

Yeah, that doesn’t do it for me either. That’s like sending me to a cheesecake shop for dessert and telling me I have ‘so many’ options. Those aren’t options, they’re cheesecake. I don’t care if they come in 32 fruity, crumbly, drizzely flavors.

I hate cheesecake.

I’m not going to spend my money on a dessert I don’t want to eat. And I’m not going to waste my time (and somebody else’s) on a relationship I don’t want to be in.

A guy tried to tell me once that I “Just haven’t met the right guy.” He was trying to get me to go out with him. I don’t think he realized that I’d met him, and he wasn’t the right guy.

For someone who knows nothing about me, I think he was taking a pretty big risk with that statement. How would he know that I hadn’t met the right guy? How awful would he have felt if I put on my sad face and explained how the love of my life proposed to me and then died tragically in a cheesecake mixer?

So that’s why I don’t date. Because everyone is cheesecake.